not in the handbook

so, he's dying. chemo hasn't been effective. has hardly touched his leukemic cells. this, after he's travelled to mayo clinic in jacksonville (end of jan 07) and undergone a 2nd round. the drug called ara-c resulted in terrible neurologic side effects -- stumbling, mumbling, fine and gross motor issues. other side effects this time around included so many mouth sores that he couldn't eat or speak, loss of his voice (due to sloughing of cells in the throat?). it's hard to tell what's the leukemia and what's the chemo. down to 200 pounds (45 pound total loss). unable to tell when he's about to urinate or void. having to get my dad clean, dry pants. cleaning spilt urine off of the floor. asking techs to change his bed. seeing him depressed. hearing him say that he can't do this again unless he's guaranteed success. and now, bone marrow biopsies tell a different story. no need to face chemo again. get some rest. spend time with your family. wait for infection. his response: i just wanted to see you (me) with all of the stripes on your robe (phd in 1 1/2 years). me, too, dad. me telling him that i had no way to express how much i loved him, and him saying that my hand on his shoulder said it all. i'll miss him. i can't imagine not having him. i can't imagine watching him be sick anymore, though, so i hope he goes quickly. why don't they teach us how to deal with this in school? it's not in the handbook.